Life After Rejection

Reflections after a year of travel + what's next!

Hello from Brooklyn!

The two months since my last email have been a whirlwind. After many teary goodbyes in Vietnam, we made our way back to New York, via Korea (which we loved!!) and Canada.

I expected that breathing air outside Vietnam would feel divine (it did), but I did not expect to feel like I was on mushrooms while looking at deep blue skies and bright green lawns. It took a good week for my vision to adjust back to the beautiful range of colours in nature here.

While I’m grateful to breathe fresh air again, after spending so much time thinking about pollinators over the last several months, I still can’t help but be alarmed by the noticeable decline of insects in places with even the most pristine air. More on that in a few paragraphs…

Other than the technicolour parks and streets, I was surprised to not feel any culture shock coming back “home” (to both Winnipeg and Brooklyn). Maybe it’s because Uri and Teo were central to my experience abroad and continue to be central to my experience here? Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced the dual shock of entering a new culture and returning to one I once knew so well so many times already, that it’s hard to “shock” me now? Whatever the reason, getting back on my bike in NYC felt weird for about two minutes—my butt admittedly did feel the shock of this sudden transition for much longer—but everything else feels surprisingly normal.

Amazingly, our 2-year-old has adjusted seamlessly with each transition, though I feel really sad that he won’t return to his daycare in Vietnam, and I wonder how strange it must have been for him to see us go from 0-100 on the social front. I hope that all the transitions of this last year prove to be an effective introduction to the one immutable fact of life: impermanence. Apparently these first three years of life are super formative, so who knows, maybe we’ve got an enlightened little Buddha for a roommate now. Though I do worry that one more major transition will be the tipping point, after which he will not adapt as easily to change. But alas, while neither of us have an income, we need affordable childcare and that is not an option in New York 😔. So we’re off to Mexico City until our financial situation changes!

Here’s what’s funny about Mexico City. Precisely one decade ago, I tried to convince myself that I could be happy living there. I was madly in love with a Mexican man who was determined to move back home, and I was determined to make our relationship work. I imagined a thriving balcony garden and a career in some international NGO, but deep down I felt a hint of imbalance. I would have to leave my home and job, both of which I loved. He would be home, in a job he already loved, and I would be sacrificing. Still, the sacrifice felt worth it; we were in love! I was sure he was “the one.”

Then he broke up with me.

I wasn’t just devastated—I couldn’t imagine myself being interested in dating anyone else ever again,—I was deeply confused. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just try things out. I didn’t understand why he would give up on us. I insisted we could make it work. I tried to persuade him to reconsider his decision. He steadfastly declined.

I mourned our relationship for months and months. My confidence and mental health were at an all-time low over that period of time. Finally, one year later, I saw that he had done me a favour. He saw the writing on the wall, before I did. I wasn’t going to be happy moving to Mexico. In fact, I was already unhappy in our relationship. I just thought love mattered more than my happiness. I regularly yelled things like “I can’t do this anymore,” and “I don’t want a relationship like this” in the heat of an argument. In my mind, I was simply asking for things (ie his behaviours and beliefs) to change. In reality, I wasn’t accepting that this was our relationship. As they say, people pick up what you put down. I just didn’t yet see that what I was putting down was a truer reflection of my feelings than my conscious thoughts were.

The next, and last, time that I saw this man was when I traveled to CDMX for the first time, in 2018. I brought a new boyfriend (we had been dating for just one month) along with me. I was a little nervous that seeing my ex might resurface some feelings, but my gut told me that there was something different about my new relationship, and that the ex was safely in the friend zone. Sure enough, we all had a wonderful time together, and I left Mexico feeling that much more confident that everything in my life was unfolding as it was meant to.

That “new boyfriend” was “different” alright. The quirkiest human I have ever met. He has kept me on my toes, in the best way, ever since. That devastating breakup allowed me to meet Uri, which has been the greatest gift in my life.

Now we get to return to Mexico City together, on terms I feel excited about. (In a funny twist of fate, my ex is now based in Indiana 😂. Now I’m sure Indiana is a great place to call home, but if I’m going to be anywhere that New Yorkers make fun of, or just straight up know nothing about, you better believe it’s going to be Winnipeg).

Another reason I bring up this story is because it was top of mind for me last week after another tough rejection.

I didn’t get a job that I really, really wanted. It was the only one I have felt compelled to apply to in two years (after getting laid off from a job that also made me feel that way). Again, I was sure it was “the one.” Again, I was wrong. Again, it was hard for me to imagine feeling that excited about an opportunity again. But if I’ve learned one thing about rejection, it’s that it will inevitably be a blessing in disguise. So instead of taking months to recover from this rejection, I’m proud to report that my confidence and mental health rebounded after a good night’s sleep. 😌

Carrying the lessons from that break up forward, I have spent the last few days focusing on the sacrifices I was spared from making, and reflecting on what feelings and ideas I was unconsciously communicating during the interview process. What writing on the wall did they see before I could? What, in other words, did I “put down” that the hiring committed “picked up” on?

Coincidentally, “picking up” and “putting down” is the very work of pollinators! I just love how pollinators continue to remind me how interconnected everything is. So, while I’m still keeping my heart open for the right paid opportunity, I’m also taking this as a sign that there is more work for me to do on the topic of pollinators. Not so much with my book (I’m feeling pretty good about where it stands and I have started the long process of querying agents), but with the concept itself.

I’m now toying with some ideas (both ones that involve bugs, and ones that have nothing to do with them, focusing instead on how we can encourage more “human pollination”). I would love to discuss with anyone who is even remotely interested in this topic 😁 Let me know!